Rebirthing
by flintt
Summary: Kendall tries everything to get Logan to admit what's wrong with him, but the genius refuses. How will Kendall handle Logan before he explodes from frustration? I seriously suck at writing a summery


Disclaimer: I don't own BTR or These Days I Have Nothing my the awesome We Are The Ocean

Title: Now What Have I Become

Author: fleave AKA Lozo

Warning: none? hot DAMN it's kind of a friendship story...the heck o-o im sorry

This is an embarrassingly bad story DON'T REAAADDDDD ._.

wtf is up with the font btw? O-o

AN: I take other stories I've written for a different pairing from other things and change the names *making it an epic Kogan :P*

Kendall sighed in defeat once again as Logan barged past him and ran into his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

He just wanted to know what was wrong, and apparently, that was too much to ask.

Kendall would question his depressed looking friend all the time, but Logan would ignore him, and he hated that.

_So who am I to say I know exactly how you feel because I don't know,_

No I don't know.

Logan had been acting strange, as usual.

This was normal now. He didn't have a stable personality, but he was quick to anger and had lost his common sense and logic. So he ended up hurting people by not listening, and by speaking.

Some days he wouldn't even say a word, and everyone was fucking sick of it.

Especially Kendall, his best friend.

Now the blonde felt like a total shit sack because he couldn't help Logan, and helping and knowing what's wrong is what friends do and are for.

Because if you never tell your friend what's wrong, they'll never be able to help you, and you can't fix yourself by your own power, you just end up destroying yourself even more.

So of course Kendall was trying to figure out what was wrong, but each time he asked, Logan's response towards him got worse and worse. The taller of the two had no patience, so he was trying so hard no to punch someone as he dealt with his Schizophrenic friend.

That took an enormous amount of self control and mental restraint.

And so the million dollar question was...

How could he fix Logan before he needed to be fixed himself?

They both were gradually breaking down over dull time.

_I'll pass you a light and help you see a brighter future,_

Hopefully this flame won't burn out before I get to you.

So now on that note [hahaha] Kendall found himself subconsciously running towards Logan's room, about to demand what the hell was going on with him.

He knew it probably wouldn't work, but sooner or later he was going to find out.

Sooner as in today. This was ending, Logan couldn't not talk to him forever.

The impatient singer had it up to here with the genius, and he had decided that he would help the brunette before things got too late, whether he liked it or not.

Kendall didn't care. He wouldn't put up with him being depressed anymore.

He didn't know how much time he had left, and Kendall didn't like not knowing, especially if it was something like this. Logan was really starting to scare him and everyone else.

As time quickly passed by he suddenly felt like he had to hurry, because it would totally kill him inside if Logan did something permanently harming to himself that he could have stopped him so easily. Kendall just needed some more persistence.

With persistence comes annoyance, and annoyance leads to cracking and, cracking leads to spilling everything, and spilling everything soon comes healing.

"Logan!" Kendall called out as he ran down the hall, towards the singers room. In his sudden decision he had no time to think, so he thought of what to say as he pounded on Logan's door.

"Open the door!" He knocked on it furiously. Kendall needed to talk to him badly.

Mumble.

"Ugg." The blonde rolled his eyes as he heard a no.

He tried to get Logan to open the door for about another five minutes until he finally resorted to begging.

Kendall never begs unless he absolutely has to.

"Please, Logan." He rested his forehead on the door. "I would honestly do anything for you just to open the fucking door. Please just talk to me, you're my best friend." Kendall squeezed his eyes shut.

_Because I've seen the sun rise on better days  
>There must be something in your heart that says that it's ok.<em>

Just talk to me, oh won't you just talk to me.  
>There must be something in your heart,<p>

Let go of what's inside.

After no response Kendall got really frustrated. So he went in the bathroom, got a Q tip, and walked back to Logan's door. He wasn't going to let a crappy piece of wood separate him from the genius anymore.

"Why didn't I just do this earlier." He mumbled as he mentally slapped himself for being such a dumbass. Kendall closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, and then released the air and his worries out through his nose.

"Let. Me. In." He asked one more time calmly.

"Go away." Was the immediate, muffled reply.

So that was it. Kendall opened his eyes and jammed the Q tip into the hole in the door knob, immediately hearing it unlock. He kicked open the stupid piece of wood and walked in a couple steps.

"Lo-" He stopped right in his tracks as he saw something that he really didn't want to see.

He had suspected it, but it still took him off guard.

_Tell me, tell me why._

"Am I not enough for you." Kendall asked in a low voice, noting how Logan jumped in guilt. The singer spaztically tried to hide the bloody knife and cover his arm, but it was way too late, and he knew it.

It had only happened in a matter of couple seconds, but it felt like it had lasted forever.

"Don't try to hid it, it's too late." The blonde ran a hand through his hair sadly. He saw Logan shuffle around on his bed, scooting farther away from him.

"Kendall, I um... I-" The brunette had no excuse.

"Save it." The taller said simply. "I'm truly sorry that I wasn't good enough." Kendall said quietly.

"What are you talking a-about?" Logan fidgeted nervously. He wanted to get up and run, but Kendall was blocking the exit.

"I'm obviously the shittiest friend ever, I should have known about this a-"

"It's not your fault!" Logan cut him off, forgetting about escaping.

"Yes it is, because if I had known I would have stopped you."

"But I didn't t-tell you s-"

"So that means I'm a shitty friend, friends tell each other everything and they help one another, and I just proved to myself that I'm a hypocrite." Kendall mumbled the last part under his breath.

"But...I- it's no-"

"Yeah it's a fucking big deal! Christ, Logan! How do you think this makes me feel?" Kendall stepped towards him, attitude changing. "How the _hell _do you think this would make me feel?" He balled up his hands tightly, fingernails digging into his palms.

"I-I don't...I don't kn-"

"It makes me feel like _shit_ Logan! I'm not a friend if you don't talk to me, I'm not a friend if I can't help you, and I'm not a friend if I never knew about..." He motioned to Logan's arm.

"So what I thought I was, was not... and you didn't tell me. Why did you lie to me?" He sounded hurt as his brain quickly told him Logan was a two faced liar before his heart could tell him that he just needed help.

"B-"

"I thought you were better then this." Kendall growled as anger quickly crushed his sadness. "Why should I have wasted my limited time on you if you were never my friend. I have people to help, Logan."

The smaller looked down and scooted himself farther away until his back bumped against the headboard.

"Ke-" He started, then muted himself at Kendall's furious voice.

"I literally gave you everything I had! And Logan, you have _no_ fucking idea how much you hurt me by doing this. You affect the people around you, you know. And don't think you've only hurt me, you've hurt the people that _still_ love you. Seriously, the _fuck_! We're here for you! _I'm _here for you! Why wouldn't you talk to me?"

"I'm sor-"

"Don't make excuses." The blonde spat. "Why waste your limited breath on something that's not true and that hurts people?" He almost glared at him. Kendall didn't know what to feel, but in the back of his chaotic brain, he told himself not to make things worse, but that was damn near impossible when he couldn't control his tongue.

_It's hard for me to know why you do this to yourself,_

But by doing this you're hurting someone else.

"I'm not lying! I-"

"I really don't know what to believe right now, I'm afraid to trust you, and I'm afraid to say that you're just like everyone else, because I don't know what state you're in." The taller was pissed off at Logan and himself. "Fuck." He mumbled under his breath.

Kendall stared into the singers blank eyes and clenched his hands tighter.

_And I can see a side of you that tells me I'm not getting through,_

_but you've been to hell and back, _

_SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?_

"You..." Logan shook his head, trying to figure out what to say. "I didn't tell you not because I didn't trust you, I don't want to be a burden." He said softly, ashamed.

"Logan you made it worse by not telling me! I could have helped you and we would both be happy!" Kendall ran another hand through his hair. "There's no burden bullshit, taking care of you helps me forget or solve my own issues, ok? It helps both of us more then you know."

"Then why didn't you tell me you had prob-"

"Because you never told me! I tried to help you, but you _never_ tried to help me!" Kendall's volume raised.

"...Kendall, let me talk to y-"

"So _now_ you want to talk to me!" He screamed.

Logan flinched a little and stared down at his hands.

The leader felt a little bad now, so he started taking deep breaths, trying to just _calm the hell down_. He paced around a bit, afraid to speak as guilt and the feeling of being a hypocrite started closing his throat. Why did he have to make things worse?

Typical Kendall, always making shit more awkward then it needed to be.

The blonde had obviously scared the brunette, which was a bad thing. Kendall didn't want to push him away, or make him feel like shit, or make him piss his pants or anything.

So what was he supposed to do now?

"I'm sorry," He started a little subconsciously. Kendall sighed and shook his head, he made things so much worse then it needed to be, so now it was reasoning time.

He had to stop yelling at him and start making things better.

"I don't mean to yell...but- I just.. I'm a hypocrite because I think the same way." Kendall sighed awkwardly.

This was going to be...well...awkward.

"I don't tell you some things for the same reason, and I don't want to sound like a whiny ass little bitch. And...I know I need help, but everyone has their own problems, and I don't want to put the weight of the whole world on your shoulders. I know what's right but I'm only human. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled and screamed my lungs out at you, but I was angry at myself and scared for you." The blonde rubbed his pounding forehead, trying to block the rush of emotions overloading his brain.

"I'm sorry." He repeated.

It was quiet for a moment.

"Kendall..." Logan could see that he was not only struggling with him, but the leader was having a hard time with his own self. He felt bad because it wasn't Kendall's fault at all, but he was taking all the blame for it.

"I don't know what to do." He admitted. Kendall honestly didn't know what the hell to do, and that made him so frustrated at himself for being so stupid.

"Just don't leave me, _I'm_sorry." Logan said quietly as he picked at his fingernails nervously. He was finally understanding that by his sufferings he was hurting other people, and he didn't know if it was too late to make amends.

The taller sighed a self disappointed sigh.

"I chose to love you, and now I couldn't leave you if I tried. I'm so fucking attached to you it's scary. And you better not give up on me, because I have never given up on you. So don't do anything permanently damaging because of temporary sadness or distress."

Kendall got closer to the doubting singer, feeling that he was fully listening to him.

"I won't leave you, ever, ok? I'll be here to help you. Always." He tried to smile.

"But what if you aren't... what if you won't always care?" The depressed Logan was killing off the old, trusting Logan.

"If I were just someone that knew you I would ask if you were ok, and if you said yes, I would move on. If I were just a friend I would ask a couple times, and if you told me that you were fine, I wouldn't never think about you struggling again. But Logan, you're my best friend, and I won't stop asking until you admit that you're not ok, or until we die. Logan, I love you. You're my best fucking friend, and there are other friends you have that would take a bullet for you. Hell, you have millions of people who love you and would do the same." Kendall's eyes begged for him to understand. "So stop doing this, I care for you way too much to keep on watching you killing yourself."

Logan was trying so hard to comprehend all this. He blinked rapidly and licked his bottom lip.

"But... you don't underst-"

"I do understand." Kendall cut him off. "I've been through depression, and I'm still going through it. But it's normal now, so I can handle it without developing bad habits." He said the last two words through gritted teeth. "Don't think that "no one understands me". There are plenty of people who have gone through or are going through what you are now. What's sad is that you aren't alone on that."

Logan mumbled something a little angrily and turned his head away.

"Logan, I've been with you through everything. I was here when everything left, and I stuck around when everything fell apart around you. Bottom line, I've been here for you always, and you won't even look at me now." Kendall crossed his arms.

_Because I've seen the sun rise on better days_  
><em>There must be something in your heart that says that it's ok.<em>

_Just talk to me, oh won't you just talk to me_  
><em>There must be something in your heart, <em>

_Let go of what's inside._

Logan kept his head down, now ashamed, and tried to talk.

"I...I just..." He ran a hand through his hair, trying not to crack completely.

"I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell or trust anyone with my problems because people let me down, and I'm not ready for that pain. I have enough to suffer with." Logan tried to steady his voice. "I don't want it anymore. I wanna be happy again." He suddenly felt stupid for admitting he needed help, and now Logan wished he could take it back. He grit his teeth and closed his eyes at his idiot mistake.

"Lo, I have the same problem, ok? I hate trusting people, and I trust you, but you don't trust me. And I don't blame you... because sooner or later I'm going to let you down, even if I don't mean it or acknowledge it. But you have to take to the risk of putting your trust in me, and be ready to get hurt. I'm your friend, and without friends you're on the road to self destruction, and that's worse then a little disappointment. Just stick with me, and don't go off and make the wrong companions, or they'll just make things worse for you. I'm the person that will whack your head when you're doing wrong, and will keep you on the right track when you're going astray. I will try my hardest not to let you down." Kendall promised. He looked at Logan, who was in deep contemplation now, forgetting about his minor regret.

The blonde was trying to get through to Logan, to show him what he will and would do for him, and now he was waiting to be judged by a person he should have always been trusted in.

"Logan," Kendall walked closer to him. "Just trust me on this, I have tried, so...so hard to make you happy and to be the best friend I can be." He finally loosened up his hands that were close to bleeding now.

"And I will try impossibly harder if I can succeed in that. I promise, and you and I know I don't make promises unless I can keep them. I feel like I've failed you, and I'm guna make things better." He swore.

"It's not your fault though, it's _mine_," Logan's index finger jabbed his chest. "so don't go on blaming yourself. And Kendall, you've been the best friend anyone could be. I honestly couldn't ask for any better." He scooted closer to Kendall until he could touch him.

"Then why wouldn't you let me help when it was obvious that you weren't ok?" He asked, totally confused. If he was such a great friend he should have been able to help.

"I don't want to waste your time with something stupid." Logan mumbled, half hoping Kendall didn't hear.

"None of your problems are stupid. If something's hurting you then it's obviously serious, and I won't take it as something not worth my time. I want to be your best friend forever, and I don't want to spend most of that time with you secretly depressed, especially if it's something that I can help fix you."

_Don't go hurting yourself, just take it out on somebody else,_

There's always better ways than this.

Kendall felt like his sharp voice had chiseled Logan's thickened skull, and that his words seeped into his mind, so he smiled.

But his naive little smile died out and became a familiar frown as the singer yelled.

"DAMMIT!" Logan screamed as he pushed Kendall away from him. "I don't know what to do! And I'm such a fucking _idiot_!" He buried his hands in his face, not man enough to look at the person trying to help him.

Time was passing by so quickly, and now he was admitting things he didn't want to, and expressing emotions that he would rather die then have Cone see.

"Logan, admitting your mistakes and feelings doesn't make you look like a man, it makes you look like a moron. Everyone knows you need help, you know it, and I'm here to help. You need to let go of the thought that you can do everything yourself."

_"Just give your hand to the help you're fighting."_ A newly awakened part of Logan thought.

And maybe he should, a small part in the back of his black mind told him to, and no matter how much he tried to kill that thought off, it was impossible to do.

Kendall was there to help him through this, so why not just accept it?

Logan looked up a little, not exposing his whole face, just his eyes and a little bit of his nose. He immediately regretted looking up, because now he saw Kendall's distressed face, and that was all because of him. The singer felt so incredibly bad because the words Kendall had laid down at his feet were spoken in so much pain that had also been sketched over his normally happy face. He knew he was hurting other people and he wanted it to stop.

Logan mumbled something that the taller didn't catch. He looked down at his hands again and sighed sadly.

Kendall shifted his weight a bit, not knowing what to do again. Logan's mood change had tampered with the leaders too, and now they were both in an awkward situation.

"Logan, just take a deep breath and calm down for once." He walked closer to his friend again. "I'm here, m'kay? Just talk to me."

"I still don't want to talk! I felt like I could do it _by myself_, and that I didn't need_ anyone_, now I don't want to make things worse!" Logan ran a hand through his hair, feeling like he was seriously going to cry. He didn't want Kendall to see him in that state, so he had to send him away.

"Please just go and leave me alone, I want to be by myself now." He lied. The genius actually wanted Kendall to stay and help him, but a part of him was a prideful, stubborn bastard and refused to have that happen.

Kendall shook his head.

"But I know that's a lie."

Those six words cut the last string of self improvement in Logan's heart.

"...And I know that you know it's a lie too." Kendall finished. He was done trying to persuade Logan to talk to him, it wasn't his choice to make anyway.

He stepped back and watched his contemplating monster self detonate and rebirth into something new and finally full of some sort of emotion. Kendall watched as Logan buried his face in his hands and finally start crying, letting all his bottled up emotions out.

If you keep everything in, then it will bite you in the ass later, so always express your feelings before they choke you.

_"Why."_

The singer was tired of having all the walls up around his heart, blocking out his friends, and keeping the bad stuff in. Logan wanted to be happy once more, and to be Kendall's best friend again.

But he couldn't do and be that if he wouldn't confess everything.

Suddenly he felt his bed dip down a little, and two arms wrap around him, pulling him close to something.

"Just let it out, Logie, I'm here, whether you like it or not." Kendall mumbled. Logan nodded a little, making the blonde smile.

The smile widened as he felt Logan return his hug.

"'Mm sorry." He managed to not stutter out. "For everything." Logan hiccupped. It was all his fault they were in this stupid mess, and he really wished he didn't have to go through it.

"It's ok." Kendall felt him break, and that made him happy.

The brunette tried to stop crying, but found out that trying to stop mentally and physically hurt, so he quietly continued.

"C'mere." Kendall pulled him into his lap. "Just let it all out, stop keeping things inside." He rubbed the smallers back, closing his eyes as the side of Logan's head quickly found a comfortable spot on Kendall's chest.

"It's guna be ok, and I'm saying that because I know it will." The taller rubbed small circled on the small of Logan's back. "Trust me."

"I d-do." Logan coughed then sniffled. He was about to rub his eyes, but Kendall started to wipe away his tears.

"And I'm so glad you do." He murmured. "I'm guna help you, and make things better, ok?"

Logan nodded again and closed his eyes, trying to calm down his breathing.

They sat like this for ten minutes comfortably silent minutes.

"Thanks for sticking around when you had every right to leave." The genius said quietly, once his rush of emotions had calmed down.

"I could never leave, and I don't want to anyway." Kendall replied.

And Logan did something he hadn't done in a long time. He smiled.

"You have no idea how thankful I am for you." The singer hugged him tighter. "I never, ever, ever want you to go. I need you, because I blocked out and eventually lost everything without you."

"If you haven't given up yet, then you've already won."

And the two smiled and sat there, finally starting the hour in which Kendall and Logan had rebirthed their stronger relationship.

_Because I've seen the sun rise on better days  
>There must be something in your heart that says that it's ok<br>Just talk to me, I want you just talk to me  
>There must be something in your heart,<br>Let go of what's inside._


End file.
